Disclaimer: This article is of an extremely satirical nature and may not be for everyone. Please send any concerns to the Editor-in-Chief, Alyssa Romano at firstname.lastname@example.org
I know, I know. October. It’s an excruciating month on our bank accounts. When I woke up this morning, I glanced at my Bison calendar and groaned inwardly. Aw crud, it’s October!? When my billfold saw that, she almost jumped out of the window and into a puddle.
Good news! I have ten great ways to help you stretch your government-provided money to the very last penny, and still be able to afford every event, every party and Homecoming! You’ll still get drunk at every opportunity, although you might have to swallow your pride just a little.
10. If you’re a smoker, October is seriously an excellent month to quit! It’s $7 a pack for the cheapest possible cigarettes– really?
9. Ugh, you’ve got a bash this weekend and nothing to wear! Tip: Forget Urban Outfitters, and go for Forever 21! That place has the trashiest clothes only appropriate for a sweaty club, and is even cheaper than H&M. Why spend more than $30 on an outfit if it’s coming off a few hours later?
8. Time to start using your free Gallaudet daily planner! Take inventory of the events and check out what parties are going to happen, and what the entry fees are for them. Then glance at your budget. Start making sacrifices. That house party with the black-white theme that has a $5 entry fee and $3 jell-o shots? May not be worth it.
7. That TV you’ve been thinking about purchasing since the beginning of the semester but keep putting off? It will just have to wait another month for another installment of Uncle Sam’s allowance.
6. Cut down on wasting your alcohol on pre-parties. Have a few shots, maybe a beer or two, and show up to some random parties fashionably late. The people there should be already drunk and thrilled to see you. They’ll immediately make you do shots with them!
5. Doesn’t it seem like a great time to start calling in those favors and debts people owe you? I think so too. They can be reimbursed in cold hard cash, a bottle of tequila, or a ticket to an event!
4. October is also a perfect month to start using up those dusty blocks lying forgotten on your ID card instead of at the end of the semester. Cafe? You might whine about it, but never forget: it’s free food… Food you already paid for!
3. Stop being a brand name snob and get to know the cheaper options. Give up the Grey Goose vodka, and write down Velicoff instead at Family Liquor. Upside: you’ll only regret your first few shots!
2. Say no to the 3 AM Subway trips. I know, Subway only sounds and tastes excellent during those wee hours of the morning, but your $5 foot-long really does add up after a few continuous weeks.
1. If all else fails, phone home. “Ma, my SSI didn’t come in this month, do you think you could help me?” It’s a handy but dangerous trick. Don’t abuse it; save it for those pesky Octobers.