The Squirrel King

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The Squirrel King

Squirrels here and there! The squirrels that have literally been taking over the campus the past few months have become THE talk of the semester. Read this uproarious article, "The Squirrel King," written by Jordan Rundquist, who aspires to be the Squirrel King.Link for the written article:

Posted by The Buff and Blue on Thursday, November 16, 2017


Every day, as I walk outside through one of the emergency fire exits at Peet Hall, I see squirrels. The squirrels are always sitting on the stairs, climbing up the trees, or just scurrying around. Every day I see them; in the morning, afternoon, at night, they’re always there.        

One day, I bring some nuts for them. I let them come to my hands and pet them once they trust me enough. Every day, by the fire exit at Peet Hall, I keep feeding them nuts. I will soon become the squirrel king. I will become the ruler of all the squirrels at Gallaudet. They will soon obey me!

Eventually, more squirrels would come and I would feed them all. Weeks go by and I am able to communicate with them now. At this point, I have gained their undying loyalty. I control every faction around the campus, the most elusive one being the albinos at Kellogg. Eventually, they would be trained well enough to listen to all my commands. Now for every teacher that have failed me, for every kid that laughed at me when I tripped over myself, for every boss who yelled at me, and for every miserable failure I’ve encountered, it is time for them to pay.

I called for my squirrels to prepare them for a fight. When they’re armed and ready is when I will send them off. “Go! My pretties, go!” I sign to them, (yes, they know sign language) and they run off. They have quickly overwhelmed the campus and rounded up everyone. The squirrels strike fear into everyone they encounter. I walk by with a squirrel on my shoulder. “This is for always being out of chocolate chip cookies!” I proclaim as the squirrels forces them out. “This is for giving me a B when that paper clearly deserved an A!” “This is for looking at me funny that one time!” “This is for leaving the shower on at Peet Hall!”

The squirrels never once disobeyed my commands. I pull the trigger and the squirrels go. The cops eventually caught on and the situation quickly escalates. I had to retreat with my squirrels to the roof of the building where it all began. The helicopters descend and the SWAT team is here. “No matter what, my squirrels will take care of them,” I told myself, trying to stay hidden. I sent a few squirrels on their way. The SWAT team tries to negotiate for the release of the hostages I told them I have, but there’s no hostages here. Soon enough, the SWAT team gain access to the roof and tells me to drop my squirrels. I will never drop my squirrels. “The squirrels haven’t let me down and I won’t let them down now.” I give out one last final command to my squirrels, and they attack as a soldier would. The SWAT team strikes me and the squirrels down. With my dying breath, I realize something. I have accomplished the one thing that I’ve always wanted to do since I was a child. I have never dreamed to be an astronaut, a president, a doctor, or even a truck driver, but dreamed to be the squirrel king.

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