Cottage Cheese-Making Lesson Gone Wrong


Elkton, Maryland– A quaint area in Elkton, where nothing has happened in the last 72 years, finally got some excitement. Several emergency vehicles surrounded the cottage row (where several retired celebrities reside, including Pippi Longstocking, Snow White, and Little Red Riding Hood) to help with the severe clean-up process. One resident was devastated that her cottage was completely ruined because of a cooking lesson gone wrong.

Police said that an overhyped resident, Goldilocks, 66, was making cottage cheese for the first time with her instructor, Mary Bear, from the Three Bears Cooking Company. Mary, who was completely drenched in cottage cheese curds and reeked of sour milk, stated that Goldilocks was one of the worst clients that she has ever had. Mary went on a long boring rant at the USA Yesterday reporter.

When they were making the cottage cheese, Goldilocks did not follow the instructions carefully. Instead of adding the salt to the vinegary base, which already had the luscious, orgasmic curds for the delicious cottage cheese that we all love, Goldilocks added BAKING SODA. The mixture started to bubble and rise toward the cloth which the cheese was resting under. Then the loud explosion happened, leaving the kitchen in worse shape than the Macchu Picchu ruins. The bowl of cheese curds was completely shattered, the cabinets were full of curds, the famous porridge that was simmering in the stove had traces of sour milk in it, and windows were completely drenched with curds. The aroma was so terrible that even the Febreeze® emergency response truck employees couldn’t mask the horrific smell with a hundred bottles of their product.

As the clean-up recovery process began, a weeping Goldilocks stood in front of her cottage, which thankfully stayed intact during the explosion. The kitchen was a complete mess.

Publishers Clearing House® prize patrol, who happened to be in the area to hand the $1 million-dollar prize to Red Riding Hood, took pity and decided to give the prize to Goldilocks instead of Red Riding Hood to help with the renovations. Goldilocks never submitted any entries for the Publishers Clearing House prize patrol, nor had she ever heard of them. She was happy that the prize patrol would support her in the clean-up efforts and Red Riding Hood slammed the door in anger, having had submitted 7,001 entries. The prize patrol televised the whole thing live for the world to see, making Red Riding Hood angrier. Red Riding Hood said that she wanted to use the money to move out of the area and enjoy the tropics, away from “that annoying wolf.”

The clean-up recovery continued and the kitchen will go under some minor renovations. Mary Bear said that she will never make cottage cheese ever again and will scour the kitchen for baking soda to prevent future explosions.

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